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So this is a way of bonding with men – ironically, through sex – and it happens not because the man is gay but because he doesn’t know any other way to get this need met. My response is, “As a sex therapist, I have a duty to tell you that your anus doesn’t have a sexual orientation. So I try to help them understand that this is about sexual abuse, or father hunger, or kink, or some other unexpressed need.Last but not least, a lot of guys are into anal stimulation and they’re afraid their wives won’t do it, or they’re too embarrassed to ask, or they’ve asked and their wives have said no. It’s not gay or straight, it’s just your anus.” In other words, they’re doing this because to them it feels good. Do the men in these relationships usually want to stay together? Usually when the man understands this he can then stop the behavior, even though the desire doesn’t go away.LGBT is shorthand for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender.The “LGB” in this term refers to sexual orientation.A lot of times the gay men never even make it to me (without prompting from their wife, anyway) because they’re riddled with homophobia and I’m too gay for them. So if a client is struggling with his sexual orientation and he’s got a lot of homophobia, he’s probably gay. A gay guy wants to do all of that with a man, a bisexual guy might want a man or a woman, and the straight guy wants to only be with a woman in that way. And does that differ depending on the man’s true sexual orientation? The gay man is doing this because it’s his sexual identity.What is it, typically, that drives these men into treatment, whether it’s on their own or with their wife? Usually the wife discovers his history on the computer. Even if he’s confused and doesn’t want to come out as gay, this is who he is and over time that will come out. They might be into BDSM or they might be into power exchange, and they think they can only find that with a man.
When a straight guy is giving oral sex, he doesn’t care what the other guy looks like. Women’s sexuality is more relational, whereas men’s sexuality is more about objectification. It’s the search for a father, the search for masculine connection. If the man is straight, the main goal is helping both parties understand why he’s been doing this.So they go find a guy who will take care of that for them. Then I tell them that a lot of gay men don’t do anal at all, either giving or receiving. And when the woman understands this she can start to connect with him on that level, supporting him and bonding with him instead of obsessing about what he’s done.Sometimes the relationship actually gets stronger over time as the partners develop compassion and understanding for one another.The reason is that the guy really is gay and he wants to express that sexually and romantically. Some guys are mostly heterosexual, and the marriage has a better chance in those cases.However, more and more of these couples are deciding to stay together, mostly after the age of 60. Sometimes with bisexual men there’s a period of time when it becomes very important for him to express his same-sex attraction.